Today's The Day

So tonight, I'm going to my first meeting. I. Am. Terrified. There's so much I'm worried about. Will I be forced to face whatever it is that drives me to drink? I don't know if I'll be able to answer that question. Am I going to be forced to give up my best friends and all of the social activities I enjoy? I don't think I'm strong enough for that! Will I actually feel my emotions? **shudder** That thought totally freaks me out! Clearly, I'm a mess. How did I get here?

I first got drunk when I was a sophomore in high school. I didn't go to one of those huge public schools where there was a myriad of cliques. I probably would've been better off if I had. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my friends from high school, and I wouldn't have traded my experience for the world. I was a shy kid in a tiny Catholic high school. We graduated with 80 kids. There were no cliques - you either hung out together or you didn't. It was that simple. If you had to label it, I'd guess that roughly half of us were "popular," half of us were not. Most of my friends fell into the former group. The guy I was "with" was in the former group. The first time I got drunk, I realized that I wasn't acting so shy, that I could be open and outgoing like everyone else. Cool. By the time I was a senior in high school, a few of us were drinking every night. We always had a reason - basketball game, school dance, boredom, parents out of town. It was always something. We had a friend with his own place. That was awesome because we always had somewhere to go, where we wouldn't get caught. We didn't get drunk every night, but we got pretty close. The good drunks were reserved for big occasions; proms, New Year's Eve, and house parties where you could sleepover. I never got into any serious trouble, I was never arrested or in any accidents. I was smart and ended up at an amazing college. No real problem, then, right?

So that's how and when I started drinking. I was 14. Chew on that for a minute. 14! My boy will be 14 in ten short years. I can't have him live a life like I did. I was a baby. What could we possibly have been thinking? I imagine these are things I'll have to confront at some point soon.
But for now, I'm just trying to focus on today. I haven't had a drink in five days. Not much, but not nothing! Baby steps.